Oh boy! I think i just became an atheist..
Lately, I’ve been wondering. The same thoughts that I’m sure everyone of us, at some point of time, wonders.
Why? Why am i here? Why are we here? Is there a god? Is there a point to all of this? If yes, what is it?
Last night was one of those usual ones. When Daas takes over. There was just too much noise in my head. Just too much to think. And do any constructive work.
There are two things i resort to at times like these. a) go for a long walk/run/cycle depending on the time of the day/night. b) watch something in the hope that it will shift the current noise to my subconscious and hopefully by the end i come out of my ‘zombie watching session’, my subconscious would have reached some conclusion and have saved me the trouble.
And if for some reason, i cannot still fathom what the hell is going on, i resort to prayer, hoping god for some reason will chose to take away my misery and everything will return to normal the next day.
But yesterday i couldn’t. I just can’t make myself come to terms with the fact, that god is waiting out there to listen to the pleas and whims of a confused boy who is suffering from a guilt trip caused due to his own actions. Why should he/she? How could i expect to commit mistakes and then hope that by some magical gesture, i wouldn’t have to suffer for them? That doesn’t make sense at all.
Plus, why should i pray? Do i pray for god? No. I pray for myself. By praying, i sort of reduce my guilt in some manner. Praying, in a way, excuses my behavior of the past. Now, how does that make any sense at all? It appears to me, that by praying, i quietly feed in to the demands of my ego. I justify everything. I, instead of rationalizing, evoke some super-natural clause and hope for the best.
Seems like a very cowardly way to handle things. And not a very effective and permanent way either.
I believe i could learn far more by taking more responsibly for my actions. Next time, i make a mistake, which i will, it’ll just be that. A mistake. Not a sin. Not some devil out there trying to lure me. And the trauma?
Its just my mind trying to learn from my mistakes. It’s simply trying to register the incident, separate the assumptions from the facts, note down the conclusions and commit the entire incident as honestly as possible to memory. And when it does this, it needs to rescan the entire consciousness for previous incidents, so that it can draw some moral of the story out of it. And make patterns.. And question the rationale behind the actions.. Its definitely not god who is torturing me for my ‘sin’
I think its all here. In my mind. My body. My fucking cells. I didn’t create myself. No, i didn’t get that option.
So, the question is,
What options do i have?
A) I have the option to keep believing in this god that serves as an excellent excuse to blame all my misfortunes on. As well as give him the credit for most of my good fortunes.
This made sense. Till yesterday.
B)I don’t believe that there is any higher power out there who is actually looking out for me. Who will save me from the ‘evils’ of this society. Or, grant me some whimsical wishes of mine. As if he ever did? It was always a battle between desire and deserve. When i desired something badly enough and worked hard for it, i deserved it and most of the times got it.
I’ve chosen B.
What have you chosen?