Ignited Again. (updated)

I distinctly remember when I last felt like this. It was the May of 2005. I thought I’d never feel this way again. It’s a strange kind of feeling. It’s like a fire in my belly. And it’s awesome.

But it’s a very strange kind of awesome. It’s the opposite of how you’d feel when you are happy. Because when you are happy, you smile. And you laugh. And you feel without a care in the world. But you know deep down that its superficial. You know you can’t laugh for ever. You know it’ll end.

But this, this is the other kind. I feel this intense sensation through my body. I feel the throbbing in my head. I know its real. And I love every second of it. The continuous adrenaline rush. The exciting ephemera. The punch in my stomach. It’s almost like I’m on a runners high. Over and over again.

It’s not like I don’t know what this is. I know exactly what is going on.

There are a curious number of things that I have observed. I seem to feel a strange kind of vengeance when I run. I push myself harder till the point of dry heaves. I feel strangely connected to music. It makes my heart beat faster and electrifies me. I seem to enjoy my meals again. Wait, no, that one’s just because I’ve started eating meat again.

Most of the times, I feel in control. I fight to be in control. But this feeling, it’s not to find myself. Its to lose myself.

Update: I’m over it. No longer ignited. Damn. The last time it lasted a whole year, and I managed to clear my IIT entrance exams thanks to it. This time, a week. So, this is how it feels to be a grown up eh?

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