1. I don’t fear death. But I do fear lots of small things. I fear that I might not be as successful in life as I dream to be. When I started running, I was scared people would laugh at me. I was scared that I would run out of breath. I was scared that I would look like an ugly duck trying to run. I tried hard not to think about it when I ran. I tried thinking of my goals. I have n of those. But then I felt intimidated and fearful that I wouldn’t accomplish them. Sometimes silly things like saying no to someone scares me. Sometimes, saying yes to myself scares me. Have you ever felt extremely happy and carefree? I do too, but then I’m scared that I’m too happy. If there is one time when I’m not scared is when I’m in a tight spot. Suddenly, I feel a strange calm. I feel like I can take it on. When I feel sad or disappointed, instead of feeling scared, I feel satisfied. I find myself comforting myself with the fact that this can only get better. Whereas in the case of happiness, I know it can only get worse.
I remember times when I’d call my father and tell him, “Abba, I’m so scared I might fail.” He’d reply his usual, ” What’s there to be scared of ? All you need is two rotis to eat.”
“Always do what you are afraid to do.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
2. That was me a year or so ago. Things have calmed down since. I think I have learnt how to balance things now. I run as fast as I can and if I can’t push myself any further, I stop. I was scared initially that I wouldn’t be able to run 5k in less than an hour. I ran that. Then I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to run 10k. 18k. 21k. I ran them all. And now I’m scared I won’t be able to run my full marathon. But deep down in my heart, I know I will run it someday. As much as I know that the next fear will be that I will not be able to run an ultra-marathon. Sigh! It goes on..
I have goals, but I have achieved so many of them I never thought I would have in this lifetime, that I don’t mind not finishing all of them. Thats okay, I tell myself. It appears to me as if fear breeds more fears. It seems like a never-ending loop. Is being fear.less an attainable goal, I ask myself ?
Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you’re scared. ~ Edward Vernon Rickenbacker
Argh. I wonder sometimes why I do these things. Wouldn’t I rather be scared and experience just one feeling – fear – rather than this multitude of mortifying sensations. But then I tell myself, these will last a week, a month maybe two. But fear will last forever. And so, ten years from now, I won’t even remember how bad I felt. But it’s important I try now. It’s important for me, that I put myself out there. It is absolutely crucial that I put my neck on the line. Even though this might just be a silly fear in my head, I’d rather be free of it, than be its bitch for life.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
~ Marianne Williamson